On thinking that you’ll die young and turning 30


30. I can’t believe that I’m 30 years old. For one, I’m often told that I look like a teenager (they say that I’ll like this one day, but for now I cringe). But the main reason why turning 30 is so strange to me is that for the longest time, I’ve thought that I would die before my 30th birthday. I can’t really explain why. It was just a feeling. A strong “knowing”. I guess feelings can be wrong!

Thinking that I’d likely die before 30 gave me a drive to live my life to the fullest. Australia – why wait until retirement? I better go now! I lived my 20’s with a fine balance of working towards stability for the future (ex: paying off debts) while also living for today as I may not get tomorrow. In a way, I’ve almost lived my life as if I was dying.

Now that I’ve hit 30, I’m not sure how to live life. Do I plan that I may live to 60 or beyond? Or do I keep living like I could die any day? Tim McGraw lyrics come to mind, “I’ll do it better in my next 30 years”. The strange thing is that I don’t have a strong sense of needing to “do it better” in my next 30 years. I’m actually thankful that I had a “feeling” that I would die by 30 as it encouraged me to live my life to the fullest. I more so relate to The Band Parry lyrics, “The sharp knife of a short life, well, I’ve had just enough time”.

In reality, the next 30 years is just as uncertain as my first 30 were. None of us know what the future holds. There are no guarantees in this life apart from our death. I guess I’ll continue on trying to strike a balance between planning for the future while living for today.

30. Hello. I never expected to see you. Maybe that was anxiety. Or maybe the “feeling” was a blessing in disguise.

3 thoughts on “On thinking that you’ll die young and turning 30”

  1. It both saddened me AND gladdened me to read this blog! Saddened in that you would have walked with anxiety for so much of your carefree youth but gladdened me because you used every day you were given. You should be very proud of yourself for not just throwing in the towel and live a reckless, abandoned life that so many without hope live. God has great plans for you Miss Rachel 🙂

    1. The strange thing is that this “feeling” didn’t consume me with fear. At times when flying it did! haha. I hate flying (but love to travel). Mostly, it was just a matter-of-fact feeling. I did not cry over it, ever. Thanks Martha!

  2. We should all live with the understanding that death is just around the corner. How much wiser we could be with the time we’ve been given. How sad many deny the fact that death is coming and then, they are taken by surprize. I believe you can’t really live until you are ready to die.

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