Mommy wars: different is not wrong

I’ve caught a glimpse of the mommy wars already during this pregnancy. They exist! Unsolicited advice and comments re: choices you’re making, opinions on what you should do, etc. Just last week, I told someone that we are waiting until delivery to find out baby’s sex. Immediately they responded that this may not be a good idea because we could have trouble bonding with our baby as a result of not knowing. Thanks.

Then there’s the decision to have a co-ed family shower. We had ours on Saturday and it was wonderful! I wouldn’t change my husband, father, and grandfather being in attendance for the world. Plus, my brother-in-law helped my sister throw the shower and his contribution was very much appreciated. But prior to this, I received a few comments that it should be a female only shower. Huh. Do you think I chose a co-ed family shower without thinking it through ahead of time? And hey… is Derek to have no role in raising our child?

And then there’s the decision to have our baby showers before baby is here instead of waiting until after. I’ve received comments that I should be having the baby shower afterwards since we don’t know baby’s gender. Maybe people think I haven’t thought through the pros and cons?Ā  The consensus of mother’s I’ve spoken with was that they appreciated having the shower ahead of time. It allowed them to plan and know what they still needed to buy before baby arrived.Ā  The majority have said that while an after-the-baby is born shower is more fun for the guests because they get to see baby, it’s less fun/relaxing for post-partum mom.

Sigh. I welcome sincere advice. But sometimes the comments aren’t sincere. They are just comments. And when they float around in the air without intentionality, they can cause the other person to question their decisions. Or at the very least, to feel unsupported for wanting to do things differently. We must remember that different does not always = wrong. Different can be just that…different. Not right or wrong. Just different.

Truth be told, the mommy wars are one aspect of parenting that I’m dreading. I’m afraid that the plethora of comments and the looks of disapproval will be hard to cope with. People seem so eager to give opinions and when you get to the root of why they feel so strongly it tends to stem back to “well…that’s the way I did it”. I want to be open and learn from others. At the same time, I want to be tough as nails and not let the comments eat away at me. If you know me, this is MUCH easier said than done šŸ™‚ Maybe I’ll need to tattoo to my forehead “different does not necessarily mean wrong”. This must be my motto as I figure out what works best for our baby, me, and our family. Open to hearing tips and advice, while understanding that if I decide to do something different it doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily wrong.

Mommy wars: they begin while you are pregnant. If you have any tips on how to best cope with the comments/perceived judgements with a newborn/while raising a child I would love to hear them. Again, I’m open to advice. I like to learn from others. It’s how comments are said and WHY they are said in the first place (i.e. I’ve already decided not to find out our baby’s gender) that can sting. Don’t be afraid to offer your advice on how I can not let people’s left field comments get to me. Ha! Thank you.

2 thoughts on “Mommy wars: different is not wrong”

  1. oh the comments. I’ve had plenty of them. Everyone has an opinion. I think with everything we have gone through we take these comments harder than the typical female. I try to ignore them or just yes people to death and forget about it but that’s much easier said than done. I know what I want, I’ve put plenty of hours of research into it, I know who to turn to when I need real advice, and I know if I ever need anything my mother, who has had plenty of experience with 7 of her own children and going on 11 grandchildren now, is ready and willing to help me with whatever I need. Just try to keep focused on knowing that these people are not experts, everyone is different, and that only you will know what is best for your baby.

  2. Ugh. Sorry that you’ve experienced plenty of the comments already as well. You’re right – just because someone offers an opinion it doesn’t make them an expert, everyone is different, and I’ll need to trust my gut with a lot of these decisions. Thanks šŸ™‚

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