Since October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I thought it appropriate to write a blog post on early miscarriage. “At least you weren’t far along” and “it’s likely that there was a problem with chromosomes” are examples of unhelpful statements made to those who receive a positive pregnancy test and lose the baby days or weeks later. If you believe that life begins at conception, losing a baby at any time is devastating.
It was late March of 2014. My period was late. But since I had wacky cycles, I didn’t get too excited. I finally decided to take a pregnancy test on a late Saturday afternoon (I know you’re supposed to test with first morning urine but I couldn’t wait any longer!). A faint but definite second line appeared. I went straight to google without even telling my husband. I read that there aren’t false positives but there are false negatives. This confirmed: I was pregnant!
I revealed to my husband our good news with a present and a card. The blanket was soft yellow with a monkey on it (my husband’s nickname was “monkey” as a child). The card read that we’ll be having a little monkey join our family on December 5, 2014. Eyes were teary. We were excited. But with no personal history to feel this way, we also feared getting our hopes too high. We had good friends who experienced multiple early miscarriages so we weren’t naive to the fact that this could also be our reality.
A couple days after celebrating our pregnancy, I began to spot. I called my doctor’s office and they instructed me to go to the ER. The ER doctor gave me a 50/50 chance of carrying the baby based on the spotting. The only thing I could do now was wait and see.
I took the following day off work and that seemed to help the spotting to slow down. But the following day the spotting picked up again. To make a long story short, I spotted for 4 days before the miscarriage began (full, heavy, red flow).
Our miscarriage happened at 5 weeks. I would describe it as the most painful period of my life. An early miscarriage can’t be compared to a period because it’s traumatic. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO YOUR BODY THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HAPPEN. I wanted to scream, “stop it! Stop it! Stop bleeding. Stop getting rid of the life that I so badly want! STOP IT!!”
I spent my 30th birthday miscarrying our first child. I hated the fact that the pieces of our baby were being flushed down the toilet. Our baby was not a goldfish. Our baby was human being and deeply loved.
Early miscarriage is no big deal, right? Wrong. At least for me, I will never be the same after the traumatic experience of miscarriage at *only* 5 weeks along. I will remember December 5, 2014 as our first little ones due date. And having our first pregnancy result in miscarriage caused me to have a fear and anxiety ridden second pregnancy. With all that said, I think I’ll end with this quote by Winnie the Pooh. To our first little one, you are forever loved!